It is the year 1281. Kublai Khan the Mongol emperor, ruler of the mysterious East, holds an audience with the nobility of China.

[sfx: Gongs and fanfare.]

Preceded by 300 nobles in scarlet and gold, Kublai Khan enters the long hall, takes his place on the vast throne studded with emeralds.

Kublai Khan: My loyal subjects! I have a proclamation to make! Seven years ago I sent a fleet of ships to the island of Japan. The gods of war were not favorable to us, and our fleet was destroyed by storm.

Now the time has arrived for China to assert her power for all time against Japan. Japan defies us, defies the greatest empire in the world. The time has come to prove that no nation can defy Kublai Khan.

Therefore I have ordered the building of an armada of 3500 ships. I have ordered the recruitment of 100,000 men. In six months the ships will sail for Japan.

This time the gods of war smile upon us. We will not fail.

[sfx fanfare]

The commander of the fleet, the noble Jing Sung, prays before the altar of the war god Zenga.

[sfx winds]

Commander: Almighty Zenga! Make the sails of our ships strong against the wind. Make the souls of our sailors like those of the tiger. Make our hearts like that of the elephant and our courage like the wild boar of the jungle. Do this for us, Zenga! Do this for us.

[sfx winds increasing, ship creaking]

Commander: Noble Khan! It grows warmer! The sea is very rough! What does this portend?

Khan: Last night the moon filled the sky with blood. This morning the birds do not follow the ship. Now even the sky grows dark. But I have gained strength from Zenga!

This time we cannot fail!

Commander: Come out on deck! The devil winds are singing in my ears!

Khan: Very well, I will come.

[sfx wind howling and screaming]

Commander: Look! The wind has torn the sail in half! Quick! Cut down the sail! Tell the fleet to head for shore! The storm will tear us to pieces!

Khan: Zenga, Zenga, hear me! hear the voice of your loyal soul! Zenga hear me! You told the soothsayers it was right for us to come here! Zenga, do not forsake the men of Kublai Khan! We have offered you sacrifices, O Zenga!

Zengaaaaaaa!

[sfx total destruction]

Announcer: And thus it was that Japan was saved from the all-powerful Mongols, who never tried to conquer Japan again. 3500 ships and 100,000 men were destroyed.

Strange as it seems, a typhoon on July 18, 1281, saved Japan from destruction by Kublai Khan.

It is the year 2017. Neo Khan the USA STRONG emperor, ruler of the mysterious West, holds an audience with the nobility of En Wai-see.

[sfx: Gongs and Village People singing YMCA.]

Preceded by 300 nobles in scarlet and gold, Neo Khan enters the long hall, takes his place on the vast throne studded with emeralds.

Neo Khan: My loyal subjects! I have a proclamation to make! Twenty-seven years ago I sent a fleet of cyberwarriors to the nation of Russia. The gods of war were not favorable to us, and our cyberwarriors were destroyed.

Now the time has arrived for USA STRONG to assert her power for all time against Russia. Russia defies us, defies the greatest empire in the world. The time has come to prove that no nation can defy Neo Khan.

Therefore I have ordered the building of an armada of 3500 bots. I have ordered the recruitment of 100,000 transcoders. In six months the bots will attack Russia.

This time the gods of war smile upon us. We will not fail.

[sfx fanfare]

The commander of the bots, the noble Jhan Mak-kein, prays before the altar of the war god Tesla.

[sfx 110 baud modem]

Commander: Almighty Tesla! Make the beacons of our bots strong against the Kaspersky. Make the souls of our coders like those of the endangered tiger. Make our hearts like that of the endangered elephant and our courage like the endangered wild boar of the precious vulnerable endangered rain forest. Do this for us, Tesla! Do this for us.

[sfx 110 baud modem shifts to 2400 baud, chips creaking]

Commander: Noble Khan! The planet grows warmer! The web is very rough! What does this portend?

Khan: Last night the RUSSIAN_HACKERS filled the sky with MEDDLING. This morning the bots do not follow the chip. Now even the sky grows dark. The court jester looks at the dark sun with naked eyes and the nobles and courtiers laugh in derision. But I have gained strength from Tesla!

This time we cannot fail!

Commander: Come out on deck! The devil bauds are singing in my ears!

Khan: Very well, I will come.

[sfx modem increasing to 48KB, 70MB, 110GB. Howling and screaming!]

Commander: Look! An undetected merchant chip has torn the motherboard in half! Quick! Unplug the motherboard and plug it in again! Tell the bots to head for Node Zero! The RUSSIAN_INTERFERENCE will tear us to bits!

Khan: Tesla, Tesla, hear me! Hear the voice of your loyal soul! You told the Innovative Disrupters it was right for us to come here! Tesla, do not forsake the trans-persons of Neo Khan! We have offered you 40,000 Deplorables as burnt sacrifices, O Tesla!

Teslaaaaaaaa!

[sfx total destruction]

Announcer: And thus it was that Russia was saved from the all-powerful five-eyed Khans, who never tried to conquer Russia again. 3500 bots and 100,000 transcoders were destroyed.

Strange as it seems, a botstorm on August 21, 2017, saved Russia from destruction by Neo Khan.

Labels: Alternate universe

¶ 12:19 AM