Personal ramblings
Hmph. Every now and then I succumb to internal stupidity. There aren't a lot of role models for introverts. Everything you hear from books and media, EVEN the older pre-switchover media, glorifies the Top Alpha. Every conversation is Top Alphas congratulating each other on Alphaness. [This is pretty much automatic given the nature and demands of media, but it still leaves most of humanity unrepresented.]

When this mood comes up I have to remind myself that I TRIED moving toward Top Alpha for 15 years. Worked hard, got into positions requiring managing and dealing with people, did volunteer shit.

The experiment has been performed and the data has been recorded. The experiment failed. Though I succeeded objectively at teaching, it was unnatural and exhausting. I could only sustain it by drinking. When I stopped drinking the facade fell off and I had to find work more suitable for a natural introvert. I did. Now I'm more or less retired but always ready to pick up my tools and work. I did just that a few days ago; another Poser graphics artist asked me to rig a control script for his latest item, and I ran it up in 30 minutes.

The leftist lie that everyone is identical. Everyone can be Alpha if you work hard enough. The universal American Myth.

When external inputs push the Myth, my internal 'experimental record' isn't always strong enough to resist the theoretical What Ifs, even with recent evidence that the choice was appropriate. Fortunately an external input came along to help. An episode of the 1947 FBI radio show that I hadn't heard before, centered on a nearly identical role model. An old arsonist had made enough money to retire. He was talked into doing a quick job by a nephew with better social-strategy talents. Did the job perfectly and smoothly. Of course he was caught because the drama required it.

The writers couldn't depict a good character as an introvert, but that's irrelevant. The writers had enough empathy to show the arsonist's intrinsic satisfaction and professional pride.

= = = = =

Later thought: This contradicts an item I wrote three years ago. At that time I didn't need to have my life "validated" by external inputs. Now I do, at least occasionally. I think the double disasters in 2014 and 2015 sapped my gumption, leaving me more susceptible to outside influence in both directions.

All together now:

My gumption was sapped by the windstorm,
my gumption was lost in the breeze,
my gumption was sapped by the windstorm,
oh bring back my gumption to meeeeeez.
Bring back,
bring back,
oh bring back my gumption to meeeeez, etc, etc.

Think I'll do a new electronics project. Make something physical. See if that helps.

Labels: Old Economy Steve, TMI

  ¶ 1:58 AM