Sort of related to my earlier ramblings
on living purpose vs non-living non-purpose. We like to imagine that we are actively deciding what to do at every moment. We like to pretend that our 'decisions' have wide variations that wouldn't have existed if we had picked other courses.
Lately I've noticed the precise predictability
of my daily routine. Since I stopped working regular hours a long time ago, I don't watch the clock, but two pieces of technology mark time for me. One technology is the AM radio, which is usually turned on for tinnitus-masking background and fake 'companionship'; the other tech is the computer's screen saver.
Breakfast is a bowl of ramen, which feels partly variable. Sometimes I gobble fast, sometimes I stop for a while to think and read. Despite that, the computer's screen saver is always fading out just as I sit back down after eating. The time between leaving the computer and returning to the computer is 15 minutes on the dot, no matter how 'variable' the process feels.
My walks to Safeway also feel partly variable. I use the bus to carry me up a steep hill, then walk the whole way on the downhill return trip. The bus is fairly consistent, so arrival at Safeway always happens at the same time. After that, shopping and paying feel
variable. Depends on what I'm buying and depends on delays in the checkout line. The homeward walk also feels variable; sometimes I have to stop for heavy traffic, sometimes I'm more energetic. Despite all of that, about 80% of the time I enter the front door on the same word
in the talk show's standard intro.
Evening shower seems fully variable. I go into the bathroom when I feel like it; sometimes stop to think for a while; do things in various sequences. Despite the apparent 'variability', about 80% of the time I return to the living room just as the local talk show host is finishing her musical intro.
Am I really in control of what I do? External markers shout NO!