Friday, February 01, 2013
Can't beat em, join em
News item:
A Spokane man in his 90s is the first person to die in a national outbreak of salmonella infection that’s been traced to contact with hedgehogs, the Spokane Regional Health District said Thursday. Seven cases of infection by a rare but dangerous form of salmonella bacteria in Washington have been linked to contact with hedgehogs.I didn't realize anyone in America had contact with hedgehogs! Let's see if I can work up a completely nonsensical panic, in line with previous entry. British bioterrorism alert! Intelligence sources, speaking on deep background from undisclosed locations, inform us that the Portcullis Pursuivant, a previously unknown organization, has planned and carried out a WMD attack using highly weaponized Erinaceus europaeus. The PP issued a cryptic announcement, which our intelligence analysts haven't yet verified: "Bloody sorry, old rotter." Note the offensive term for a chronologically-enhanced individual, and the menacing cryptic references to "blood" and "rot", implying future WMD attacks will be especially violent, involving new and unknown types of weaponized WMD explosives and toxins, such as the fearsome and mysterious Rising Damp WMD or Toad-in-the-hole WMD. A new agency has been formed, with a $1.6 trillion budget, to combat and prevent these horrendous and unprecedented 1776 Revenge Attacks by the PP. The new Hedgehog Security Agency will comprehensively and forcibly inspect every American home, and will crush and decommission all homes containing signs of Anglophiliac tendencies, such as tea, umbrellas, tripe, bulldogs, or unrefrigerated beer. ¶ 5:36 AM
