Friday, July 29, 2011
Kafka Awards 2011
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the category Wildly Intrusive Stark Raving Lunacy.
We have two fresh nominees as of this morning.
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Nominee #1: Avista is sending out 'free' boxes of EZ-Crush Poison Vials to every household in Spokane. There's no safe choice. You can't bring it into your house; that would be suicide. And it's really not nice to put it straight out into the trash; the city trash guys will get a big dose of mercury each time they run the crusher, because several thousand poison-paks will be in the truck. If you call out the Hazmat crew, which is the officially recommended course of action, you'll be marked as a Wise Guy and you can expect the midnight knock.
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Nominee #2: I got off the bus this morning, walking next to an old but active strip mall. Barber shops, tax preparers, chiropractors. Suddenly a well-dressed 50-ish man burst out of the door of a business and ran toward me, urgently gesticulating: "Why don't you get a helmet? Why don't you get a helmet? Why don't you get a helmet?" I couldn't think of any safe choice (what if he decided to push me into the street to show why I needed a helmet?) so I kept walking. He trotted alongside me, shouting "Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir?" Finally, on the principle that a barking dog will sometimes stop when you acknowledge its presence, I said "I hear you." He said "Why aren't you responding?" then sort of slumped with a mission-failed attitude and walked back toward the building.
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The envelope, please. And the winner is: Hell, I dunno. You pick.
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Later: I figured out the least-bad destination for the unwanted Gift from Avista. Took it straight from the mailbox to the backyard and buried it. Sprinkled some alleged squirrel repellent stuff over the location so they won't dig it up until the ground hardens enough to be uninteresting. (I have some extra sympathy for those critters after the hawk incident). ¶ 9:17 AM
We have two fresh nominees as of this morning.
= = = = =
Nominee #1: Avista is sending out 'free' boxes of EZ-Crush Poison Vials to every household in Spokane. There's no safe choice. You can't bring it into your house; that would be suicide. And it's really not nice to put it straight out into the trash; the city trash guys will get a big dose of mercury each time they run the crusher, because several thousand poison-paks will be in the truck. If you call out the Hazmat crew, which is the officially recommended course of action, you'll be marked as a Wise Guy and you can expect the midnight knock.
= = = = =
Nominee #2: I got off the bus this morning, walking next to an old but active strip mall. Barber shops, tax preparers, chiropractors. Suddenly a well-dressed 50-ish man burst out of the door of a business and ran toward me, urgently gesticulating: "Why don't you get a helmet? Why don't you get a helmet? Why don't you get a helmet?" I couldn't think of any safe choice (what if he decided to push me into the street to show why I needed a helmet?) so I kept walking. He trotted alongside me, shouting "Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir?" Finally, on the principle that a barking dog will sometimes stop when you acknowledge its presence, I said "I hear you." He said "Why aren't you responding?" then sort of slumped with a mission-failed attitude and walked back toward the building.
= = = = =
The envelope, please. And the winner is: Hell, I dunno. You pick.
========================================
Later: I figured out the least-bad destination for the unwanted Gift from Avista. Took it straight from the mailbox to the backyard and buried it. Sprinkled some alleged squirrel repellent stuff over the location so they won't dig it up until the ground hardens enough to be uninteresting. (I have some extra sympathy for those critters after the hawk incident). ¶ 9:17 AM
