Madame Polisztra channels the Director
Madame Polisztra found a message waiting in her crystal ball this morning. She opens the channel......




Crystal ball: Ple-ase deposit fi-ave dollars before commencing your conversation.

J. Edgar: Oh, all right, dammit. [clang, clang, clang, ....]

Madame Polisztra: Good morning, Mr. Hoover. Pay phones up there?

J. Edgar: Yes, of course, Missy. I haven't forgotten my tradecraft.

MP: But doesn't new technology appear up there?

JE: Cell phones are a Jap thing, Missy. Nips have their own areas up here, so their stuff doesn't get used in our section.

MP: Internment?

JE: Yep. I didn't like it much the first time, but I've changed my mind up here. Old JC has a real bug up his ass about repentance, and the Japs haven't even begun to repent for what they did to China, the Philippines, and us back in the '30s and '40s. Still proud of it.

MP: Well, sir, what I wanted to talk with you ...

JE: Hey! That isn't a reefer over there, is it?

MP: No, sir! Absolutely not. Just a French coffin nail. Gauloise brand.

JE: All right, Missy, I didn't really think you were that dumb. Your author was, but I guess we educated him. Some. My dossier on him is out of date, so I don't know. Anyhow, smoke 'em while you got 'em. Can't smoke up here, dammit.

MP: Sorry to give you a jolt, sir. It won't be very long before we can't smoke down here either.

JE: Those idiots. Damn Ford administration with their prissy clean hands. I crossed over just before they came to power the first time, and now you've put them back in power a second time.

MP: Ford, sir?

JE: Ford administration. Bush, Rumsfeld, Cheney, Kissinger. You put them back in power, so what do you expect? Damn Episcopalians. JC calls them Pharisees, and I guess he's right. They think obeying all the regulations counts for more than defending the country or doing the right thing. Parlor pinkos. When the New York Goddamn Times helps the enemy - like it's been doing since I was down there - you don't just get "offended", you fight back. Steal their secrets. Shut them down. Chesapeake their boss. When Teddy Kennedy gives you orders, you don't obey him, you pull his dossier and educate him. Damn Kennedys anyway. Damn them all in hell.

MP: Don't you mean "all to hell", sir?

JE: You heard me the first time, Missy. Moses didn't want to transfer the whole family, but I reminded him that I've got some very interesting hieroglyphics in his dossier, about the real reason for those 40 years in the wilderness. So down they all go.

MP: Anyway, sir, what I wanted to..

JE: Yes, I know. Those colored boys in Miami. Thought they were jivin' in the big time with the camel fuckers. Turned out they were just rappin' with The Man. Great work. Fine work. Somebody in the Bureau has figured out how to do things right again. Must have learned it from the Brits. He won't last long, though. Damn pinko Fordies will have him on the carpet for breaking some idiotic reg.

MP: Sir?

JE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. You want to know what I'd do different. Okay, here's how we did it with the Commies: We set up entire political movements under our guidance, let the hippie trash join up and "decide" how they would compete with the other movements. Was bad enough trying to spot the informers in your own group; and then you had to worry about whether the Progressive Workers of the Globe was beating your time with the masses, and then you had to wonder whether the PWG was really the Bureau, or whether your own splinter group was really the Bureau. Ah, those were the days. Watching the Reds pissing on each other with Marxist quotes, each trying to be the most orthodox dick in the territory, when they should have been planning and bombing. Looks like the Company might be using that method with the camel humpers, but I don't see any sign that the Bureau is using it at home. There'd be more publicity for the alternate movements if they were.

Crystal ball: Please deposit tha-rrree dollars to continue your conversation.

JE: Tell you what, Missy. I better sign off now. Got to hoard my quarters for the one-armed bandit.

MP: What? Gambling up there? More of your, um, dossiers?

JE: No, this wasn't my doing. My influence only goes so far. This was the Indians. When they go on the warpath to plant a casino, nothing on earth or in Heaven can stop them. Woo woo woo woo woo, ka-ching. So thanks for listening, Missy.

MP: And many thanks for giving us your wisdom, Mr. Hoover. It won't make any difference, but I appreciate it.

Crystal ball: I am sor-ry, your par-ty has be-an disconnected. [Clack!]

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Later: Interestingly, it appears that J. Edgar did in fact penetrate an earlier version of the Seas of David, back in the '50s in New York. Makes me wonder if the organization continued as a Bureau-controlled 'ideological virus'.
  ¶ 7:06 PM