Need to replace used-up conspiracy theories
Most "conspiracy theories" that don't involve Martians have turned out to be essentially true. In fact, many of the realities have turned out to be 10 times weirder and 10 times more evil than the theories.

Time for a little creativity. When "wild" ideas turn out to be drab reality, the stock of "wild" ideas is depleted. Need more "wild" ideas.

How about this?

Plants and bacteria are conspiring to create "global warming".

It makes sense in terms of motivation. Plants need a warm wet world. For most of the earth's existence, plants had what they needed. From 1300 to 1800 we were in an unusual cold period, and plants suffered. When plants suffer, animals and humans suffer as well. We had to develop all sorts of compensatory technologies to keep us alive in the cold period. Since 1800 we've been fading out of the cold, back into the normal warm and wet conditions. Plants love it. When plants flourish, animals and humans flourish.

Conspiracy theory: We know that bacteria are a main player in cloud formation. We also know that forests influence cloud formation. Therefore, bacteria and trees are conspiring to create more clouds, leading to warmer nights and warmer winters and more rain.

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Disclaimer: I don't really think this is happening. I think the most likely cause is cyclical changes in the earth's magnetic field and magma flow, heating the crust under the Arctic and moving the deep hot spots that drive ocean currents. The magnetic shift will also change the movements of bacteria, which could influence clouds and currents. But the moving hot spots are the main driver. This hypothesis matches the facts better than any other hypothesis.

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Disdisclaimer: HOWEVER, given the universal record of "conspiracy theories" becoming true, I wouldn't bet heavily against my newly invented stupid "theory".


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Update three days later:

Fluctuations in the orbital parameters of the Earth are considered to be the trigger for long-term climatic fluctuations such as ice ages. This includes the variation of the inclination angle of the Earth's axis with a cycle of about 40,000 years. Marine scientists have now shown by using a new model that biogeochemical interactions between ocean and atmosphere could also be responsible for climate fluctuations on this time scale.

"In our model, the carbon cycle is largely controlled by plankton living in the surface ocean," explains Prof. Dr. Klaus Wallmann. Plankton consumes atmospheric CO2 via photosynthesis and by microorganisms that degraded plankton biomass and release CO2 back into the atmosphere. Since CO2 is a potent greenhouse gas, the biological CO2 turnover affects surface temperatures and global climate. The growth of plankton is controlled by nutrients that take part in a range of microbial oxidation and reduction reactions.

New record for taming a wild conspiracy theory! Three days from wild parodic stupid imagination to scientific truth.

Labels: Carbon Cult, Smarty-plants

  ¶ 2:39 AM